Saturday, May 14, 2011

the elephant in the room

I have debated writing this post for some time.  But it really never seemed relevant.  But for some reason tonight I feel the need to share.  As a wise friend recently told me, "if you are feeling compelled to write it, there is a reason.  Someone out there needs to read it and it will help them." Technically this is supposed to be a craft blog but as many of you know I blog about all aspects of my life.  This particular subject definitely isn't something that defines me but is a part of who I am.  I have depression.  I take medication (sorry Tom Cruise).  It never was an issue, except the occasional blah day, until after Natalie was born.  I didn't realize until after the fact that I had had post partum depression.  Natalie was 3 when I decided that I needed to try medication.  Most days are great, some days not so much.  Today has been one of those days.  For some reason I just feel sad.  It's like this deep gut feeling.  I really can't describe it.  It sucks away my motivation.  I am overwhelmed with thoughts of failure.  As I type this I worry what you will think of me and if you are asking yourselves, why is she telling us this?  I am having a very difficult time writing this post because until you have had depression it is hard to explain what it feels like to have it.  I always tell people that you don't know you are in it until you are out of it, if that makes sense?  It's this vicious cycle that just compounds on itself.  You feel depressed so you don't want to do anything, then the guilt and self loathing sets in which only makes the depression worse which starts the cycle all over again only worse.  It is a very lonely place.  I know what it feels like to be numb to everything and feel hopeless.  Thinking that you will never get better, you will never figure it out.  And if someone out there is going through the same thing I am, I don't want you to feel alone.  I want you to know that someone understands.  And that you don't have to be ashamed and that you deserve to be happy and healthy. Even in 2011 mental illness is still taboo.  I feel that the more we talk about it and the more accepting we are towards people who have depression the less alone they will feel and more willing to reach out for help.  And I guess by writing this post I am helping myself too because now that I have shared this with you I already feel less alone.

23 comments:

  1. good for you for writing, sharing, and being open. i also don't get why depression is so taboo to some people and swept under the rug sometimes. i think it is best to be open and honest about it because you can only ever get out of anything by coming to terms with it. i know when i was in college and suffering from anorexia/bulimia, there was all sorts of cyclical depression and self loathing going on there as well. it's very very hard to get out of... it's like pulling yourself up by your own boot straps. you can't do it totally alone, and at the same time, you have to be aware and ready. also, my mom's sister committed suicide after years of struggling with manic depression. i never really understood it because no one really talked about it. i was young, too, but i really think if more people talked about it, it would be more accepted and understood and people wouldn't feel ashamed of something they should never feel ashamed of. well look at me babbling...
    oh, and your friend sounds really wise. like really wise.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am glad that you shared:) We all have something that we really struggle with and it takes the stigma out of these things when we shed light on them. I have a little something of my own I plan to share soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks so much for sharing friend. I'm so sad to hear of your struggle. I hate to hear that you feel sad and hopeless because even though we are new friends, I can clearly see that you are an amazing wife, mother, & friend. I hope your great days far out number your bad ones. Hang in there Andi! xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good for you for sharing. I have very little depression, but one of my daughters deals with it constantly. Here's to many great days for both of you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Interestingly I was only thinking last night that I hadn't popped in to see you here in a while and wondered what you were up to! If I was in the area I would bring you flowers, babysit your kids in the park, bring you cups of tea and have long chats..those things I can't do...but I do bring you my heartfelt prayers that you will find grace for yourself quickly and be able to take a step at a time to find your way through and start to enjoy life's journey again.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I knew when I read the title of this post that this is what you were going to write about...I don't know how, but I kind of knew it the other night. After spending all that time in the car with you, I just felt something. Anyway, I'm glad you shared. I suffered from post-partum depression after my two youngest kids. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back, I now know what it was...I just couldn't get happy and I felt I should be happy, but I wasn't. And then I would just cry and cry. Fortunately, my ob/gyn (the second time around) understood. She put me low dosage meds and then something snapped back into place. Anyway, just know that you aren't alone and there are those of us who understand. You have a friend in me and I can always hop up to Columbia if you need someone ... I won't even need directions.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I barely know you, ok other than one meeting, I don't know you at all. But, I am proud of you! So brave of you to share your personal struggles with strangers. You are stronger as are your readers!

    ReplyDelete
  8. How brave of you to open up this way. I wish you all the best as you deal with this. (I have several friends and family members who suffer from depression as well.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm glad you wrote this. Sometimes getting it off your chest will help you accept and kick it's butt. If you get in a funk feel free to write and I will send you a goofy picture of my dog or something to cheer you up. You're not alone and you really are amazing from what I can see from here. Chin up, love!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have many friends and family members who've struggled with depression throughout their lives. I know it is difficult to talk about, but talking about it usually makes you feel a little better. I also have a post I debated writing about and decided not to, but maybe next time I will remember your friend's advice- I never really thought about it from that perspective before.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Andi- You are the truest form of friend- one who is willing to open herself up to criticism and judgement in the hopes of helping others. Depression runs rampant in my family and even being surrounded by it, it is hard at times to understand. Thank you for opening yourself up- for being real and honest and sharing. You truly are helping people!
    xoxo,
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thanks for sharing your experience- its really rare to hear such honesty about something that, you're right, is still rather "taboo." You're brave for posting something so personal and I admire how you have taken on the challenge of fighting it and being honest about what its really like for you. I wish relief and joy for you, whatever that may look like.

    ReplyDelete
  14. It's not easy to share something so personal, but sometimes it helps to share instead of keeping it to yourself. You might also be helping someone else in the process. Depression affects so many people, including the ones that love them. Hang in there :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I give you 'props' for opening up and sharing your innermost secret with all of us - that is very brave. I guess the good thing is that you are have acknowledged the issue and are dealing with it as best you know how. I once suffered from really bad depression and eventually ended up on meds for it. They helped alot (once I found the right one for me) and I've been off them for years. I still have my rough days (weeks!) though and now how hard it can be. Stay strong and know you have a wonderful support system out here with all of your virtual (and real!) friends. {hugs}

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you so much for having the courage to share this intimate part of your life. You might not ever know the number of people you have helped.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am glad you took the time to share. I have struggled with depression my whole life, but a bad postpartum depression sent me into sinkhole and I had to take medication. After going on the medication I realized just how long things had been bad when I thought they were normal. I am doing better now, but I still have bad weeks, even months.
    Again, thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank you for sharing. I too deal with depression now and then, and yes you don't know it until you have made your way through it. You are brave to put it out there. You are not alone. Hugs
    -Laurie

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm proud of you, you are brave, and by looking at the comments you can see that your words have already touched many people.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I wish I could hug you sweet lady. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Sending a virtual hug your way!!! I think I've been living with some form of depression for quite some time (why else does one just stop caring, stop going to work, and up and quit a job paying $23/hr for no reason?) but in my mind it's always been managable and I've always been too ashamed to seek help or medicine. Reading you openly talk about this on your blog gives me courage to finally seek the help I need.

    Thank you, Andi. Hope you're do well.

    ~Jazz

    ReplyDelete
  22. I wasn't following you back when you wrote this post, but I am SO happy you opened up about this. I have struggled with depression and been on meds for over 10 years. Most of the time the meds work, but when they don't...no good. Mental health issues are SO taboo and it pisses me off. Good for you, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Depression is a disease and it doesn't make sense that people in this day and age don't understand that. I have so many women in my family that have suffered from depression it's not funny. I've been through two very deep dark times of depression and I clawed my way out by myself. It was not pretty. Now, I know so much more about it, and I hope if I ever sense that sliding down feeling, I will run for medication. I have seen the benefits first hand, and although it's not a cure-all, it helps. Tom Cruise can suck it.

    Thank you for your honesty and your BOLD spirit in sharing your struggle. We need to stand up and talk about it so the world will see the light.

    ReplyDelete

Connecting with people is one reason I love blogging. So bring on the comments and questions, they make my day! I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by and say "hello!"

I love to reply to all comments so if your email is not linked to your profile I send my comment to this noreply guy. And that makes us both sad. Thanks!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails